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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Mass suicide – do it for the planet!

Posted by foundersfreedom on April 20, 2009

The EPA this week declared that breathing is harmful for the planet.  The report, which was totally expected and widely and eagerly anticipated by American conservatives, calls for the creation of a new government agency that will oversee the mass suicides that will need to take place in order for the Earth to get back to its natural temperature.

Hundreds of thousands of concerned Americans have already signed up to “give it up for the planet” and will be notified by mail when they will have to report for their extermination.  Those numbers are expected to skyrocket now that this dire report has been issued.  Most of the high-profile applicants / volunteers come from Hollywood where they will put their money where their mouth is.  There’s even some concern that civil unrest may become an issue as the actor / activists vie for top billing as the first to do what’s right.  New York City is second, but still considerably behind Tinseltown. 

“We thought that cutting back to 2 limos and a Hummer for our entourages and hangers-on would have been enough,” said one actor who wished to remain anonymous. “But now this.  We even adjust the holding temperature in all three of our houses when nobody’s there. This MUST be serious.”

But putting a bit of a damper on this new call to action, what some even call patriotic, a few in Hollywood are concerned with what might happen to the industry once the big draws have been laid to rest.  The absence of names like Penn, Sarandon, Baldwin, Cruise, Paltrow, Depp, Hanks, or any number of other blockbuster names could put many union and guildmembers out of work.  Word on the street is that income from movies is what has made employment possible for the “behind the scenes folks,” something that hasn’t really been discovered until now.  For that reason many are willing to chance the besmirching of their reputations and renege on their commitment to the cause to help their less famous co-workers keep their homes and feed their families.  One household name said, “It would be pure selfishness for me to kill myself saving the planet, and leave my friends in the lurch. I just can’t do that to them.  If it means I’ll never work here again…so be it.”

Body bags will begin showing up in Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Miami, Boston and Houston in the next couple months.  What will be done with all the bodies?  Many have poo-poohed the idea of burial or cremation as that will only take up precious land or pollute the air even more.  The preferred option is to be thrown into the oceans so that wildlife can benefit.  Zoo animals have very strict diets and as such will not be candidates for a treat.  Feeding dead humans to land-based wildlife is still under consideration.  A government panel is weighing the pluses and minuses of the real possibilty that coyotes, wolves, bobcats and even dogs may desire more human flesh once they’ve had a taste of it.  On the one hand it’s random and violent, but on the other it will further ease the strain on the planet.  

Time will tell how many will have to die to get that half degree back.  To get your name on the list visit or call 1-8-earthwhacko and dial ext. 666.

Read the whole article at the NY Times, home of  “all the news the Democrats want made up.”


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